/****************************************************************
*								*
*	The quotes in this file have been gleaned from		*
*	a variety of sources over the years and stored		*
*	with all the other pointless twaddle I keep in		*
*	my twisted, little mind. In recent months I		*
*	have found Michael Moncur's Quatations Page to		*
*	be invaluable in my lifelong quest to know far		*
*	too much stuff about things nobody else cares		*
* 	about, check it out at quotationspage.com. For		*
*	downloadable, TV related quotes, you should		*
*	probably head over to Hunter Elliott's Daily		*
*	.WAV at dailywav.com. If you'd like to know the		*
*	source of any of the quotes below then please		*
*	feel free to IM or PM me.				*
*								*
*	> MeTV - tvthemetunes.net				*
*								*
****************************************************************/
var quotes=new Array(
'The secret to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.',
'One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.',
'How do I know what I think \'til I hear what I say?',
'Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.',
'How did you manage to get so much custard out of such a small cat?',
'This week I are be mostly eating...Prozac!',
'Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?',
'In god we trust...Others must pay cash.',
'Keep out of sight and reach of children.',
'Man is least himself when he talks in his own person, give him a mask and he will tell the truth.',
'We who are truly brave will never live in fear.',
'Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.',
'Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.',
'First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.',
'No one can earn a million dollars honestly.',
'I have not failed. I\'ve just found 10000 ways that won\'t work.',
'It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one\'s doubts.',
'A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.',
'A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.',
'If everything seems under control, you\'re just not going fast enough.',
'Woman was God\'s second mistake.',
'Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.',
'Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.',
'People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.',
'The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.',
'Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.',
'If you are going through hell, keep going.',
'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.',
'I\'ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn\'t it.',
'To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.',
'Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.',
'Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.',
'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.',
'The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.',
'Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.',
'One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one\'s work is terribly important.',
'Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.',
'Everything has been figured out, except how to live.',
'The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.',
'Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I\'m not there, I go to work.',
'Attention to health is life\'s greatest hindrance.',
'I don\'t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.',
'The best way to predict the future is to invent it.',
'A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.',
'We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction.',
'Get out of my cave!',
'I never let my schooling get in the way of my education.',
'If you understand what you\'re doing, you\'re not learning anything.',
'Depend on the rabbit\'s foot if you will, but remember, it didn\'t help the rabbit.',
'Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is doing it.',
'War doesn\'t prove who\'s right, just who\'s left.',
'A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.',
'Try not to become a person of success but rather try to become a person of value.',
'I have gone to find myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.',
'I still function!',
'There are 10 types of people in this world; those that understand binary and those that don\'t.',
'Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you\'re in.',
'Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man\'s genitals through his wallet.',
'Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.',
'My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.',
'A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory.',
'Always remember that one effective way to deal with things that want to eat you is to taste terrible.',
'Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.',
'Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.',
'Borrow money from pessimists; they don\'t expect it back.',
'Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down.',
'Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.',
'People who say they sleep like a baby usually don\'t have one.',
'If only we\'d stop trying to be happy we\'d have a pretty good time.',
'Computers run on smoke, when the smoke comes out, they quit running!',
'Things are only impossible until they\'re not.',
'We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.',
'Education...has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.',
'In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.',
'Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.',
'Screw the rules, play the game.',
'Between the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing.',
'Idealism increases in direct proportion to one\'s distance from the problem.',
'Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.',
'The point to remember is what the government gives it must first take away.',
'It is useless to send armies against ideas.',
'Three people can keep a secret so long as two of them are dead.',
'Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.',
'You only live once; but if you live it right, once is enough.',
'Opinion is that exercise of the human will which helps us to make a decision without information.',
'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.',
'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.',
'Always listen to experts. They\'ll tell you what can\'t be done and why. Then do it.',

'Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.',

'If you want to bake an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the Universe.',
'Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.',
'A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.',
'A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.',
'Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.',
'The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.',
'If law school is so hard to get through...How come there are so many lawyers?',
'Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.',
'If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars.',
'The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven\'t got it.',
'You should always believe what you read in the newspapers, for that makes them more interesting.',
'A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.',
'I\'m an idealist. I don\'t know where I\'m going, but I\'m on my way.',
'Cry, \'Havoc\' and let slip the dogs of war.',
'No cheese on the cheeseburger!',
'To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.',
'It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.',
'I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.',
'Here\'s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like \'Psychic Wins Lottery\'?',
'In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.',
'Reality is something you rise above.',
'The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.',
'The trouble with being punctual is that nobody\'s there to appreciate it.',
'I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.',
'The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.',
'I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.',
'Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?',
'Quit worrying about your health. It\'ll go away.',
'The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.',
'The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.',
'Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.',
'Blame someone else and get on with your life.',
'To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.',
'If I only had a little humility, I\'d be perfect.',
'Bleeding bloody Esther bleeding bloody effing bloody Rantzen bloody woman!',
'I love it when a plan comes together.',
'The names have been changed to protect the innocent.',
'I can smell the inside of my nose!',
'It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.',
'The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.',
'The entire economy of the Western world is built on things that cause cancer.',
'It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.',
'The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off.',
'There\'s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.',
'Rock journalism is people who can\'t write interviewing people who can\'t talk for people who can\'t read.',
'The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.',
'Work is the curse of the drinking classes.',
'I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn\'t met me yet.',
'Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.',
'Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.',
'Why don\'t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?',
'Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.',
'When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.',
'My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.',
'Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.',
'I grew up with six brothers. That\'s how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.',
'What\'s another word for thesaurus?',
'Build a man a fire, and he\'ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he\'ll be warm for the rest of his life.',
'I don\'t like people who take drugs...Customs men for example.',
'I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.',
'Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I\'ve done it thousands of times.',
'It\'s not the people who are in prison that worry me. It\'s the people who aren\'t.',
'The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, \'And now a word from our sponsor\'.',
'It\'s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.',
'History is more or less bunk.',
'If the facts don\'t fit the theory, change the facts.',
'Ah, marketing; the art of selling people crap they don\'t want at twice the price they\'re willing to pay for it.',
'We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming.',
'I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.',
'I\'ve been...knocked down; it\'s a crazy town, even got punched in the face in L.A.',
'It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.',
'But what is the difference between literature and journalism? ...Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.',
'Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.',
'I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings. I have no rival, no man can be my equal.',
'Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.',
'Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.',
'The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.',
'I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.',
'Do one thing every day that scares you.',
'Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.',
'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.',
'The best way to keep one\'s word is not to give it.',
'You don\'t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.',
'There\'s no point in being grown up if you can\'t be childish sometimes.',
'Miserable little turnip.',
'Nature...is what we are put in this world to rise above.',
'The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.',
'I\'ve told you, I am not a refrigerator.',
'Throw me a frickin\' bone here, I\'m the boss...Need the info.',
'No one should ever want to talk to the dead.',
'When policemen break the law, then there isn\'t any law...just a fight for survival.',
'Your head is as empty as a eunuch\'s underpants.',
'When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.',
'It\'s hard to be nostalgic when you can\'t remember anything.',
'Do not speak to me of rules! This is war! This is not a game of cricket!',
'Evil does not wear a bonnet!',
'Innocence is wasted on me, I don\'t believe in it.',
'I\'m not in the habit of throwing kerosene on a fire.',
'Klaatu, barada, nikto.',
'Oh god, I\'ve been outed by Will Young!',
'A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.',
'Anyone who says businessmen deal in facts, not fiction, has never read old five-year projections.',
'Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.',
'I\'m a hypocritical Marxist; I\'m anti-capitalism, but I don\'t mind earning money.',
'Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies',
'Sleep is just an excuse for lack of caffeine.',
'He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.',
'Do not remove a fly from your friend\'s forehead with a hatchet.',
'Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.',
'To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.',
'Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.',
'A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.',
'Charity sees the need not the cause.',
'By the way, how much is the fish?',
'One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven\'t and don\'t.',
'Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.',
'It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.',
'Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.',
'Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.',
'Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.',
'My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.',
'Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.',
'The problem with political jokes is they get elected.',
'Nostalgia isn\'t what it used to be.',
'My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.',
'Wagner\'s music is better than it sounds.',
'Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn\'t have to do it himself.',
'Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.',
'I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.',
'It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.',
'The problem with any unwritten law is that you don\'t know where to go to erase it.',
'Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.',
'Hindsight is a wonderful thing; it enables you to see your own ass.',
'Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.',
'Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Laugh and the whole world thinks you\'re a raving loony.',
'No opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.',
'It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.',
'It\'s not that I\'m afraid to die, I just don\'t want to be there when it happens.',
'Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.',
'This season I are be mostly wearing...nipple clamps!',
'If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?',
'Do you realize if it weren\'t for Edison we\'d be watching TV by candlelight?',
'We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.',
'Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.',
'Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.',
'A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.',
'He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.',
'Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.',
'Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.',
'It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.',
'Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.',
'Sanity is a madness put to good use.',
'Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.',
'The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it.',
'Don\'t knock the weather. If it didn\'t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn\'t start a conversation.',
'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum.',
'I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.',
'I was the product of a mixed marriage; my father was a man and my mother was a woman.',
'Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.',
'Until you walk a mile in another man\'s moccasins you can\'t imagine the smell.',
'America\'s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.',
'I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!',
'Hot Dog. Jumpin\' Frog. Alberquerque.',
'That black plague\'s a bugger when it gets a hold.',
'Lace the reindeers\' food with arsenic, tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la!',
'Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn\'t seem to be working.',
'Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.',
'It\'s no longer a question of staying healthy. It\'s a question of finding a sickness you like.',
'All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.',
'Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.',
'Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.',
'Don\'t worry if you\'re a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.',
'Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.',
'Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.',
'It is bad luck to be superstitious.',
'You probably wouldn\'t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.',
'Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.',
'The most merciful thing in the world...is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.',
'If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.',
'The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.',
'The basis of optimism is sheer terror.',
'I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.',
'A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.',
'What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.',
'An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.',
'There it was, hidden in alphabetical order.',
'People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.',
'I don\'t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.',
'Sacrifice? Arse!',
'Is there life before death?',
'Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.',
'The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.',
'Ooooh, hark at him who ate a dictionary for breakfast!',
'The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.',
'Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what\'s for lunch.',
'There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.',
'Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.',
'If it wasn\'t for false hope, I\'d have no hope at all.',
'Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.',
'Quoth the raven, \'Nevermore.\'.',
'Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital',
'Girls are always running through my mind. They don\'t dare walk.',
'There are more fools in the world than there are people.',
'If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?',
'You\'ll never find your pleasure if you worry about your pain.',
'You can\'t trust anybody if you can\'t trust number one.',
'A signature always reveals a man\'s character - and sometimes even his name.',
'I don\'t have a bank account, because I don\'t know my mother\'s maiden name.',
'What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.',
'Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.',
'Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.',
'Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.',
'It\'s a small world, but I wouldn\'t want to paint it.',
'I\'d like to thank all the little people I\'ve stepped on to get where I am today!',
'Some things have to be believed to be seen.',
'They could have convinced you your own mother was a turnip.',
'There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.',
'The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.',
'Which evil bastard put the letter \'S\' in the word \'lisp\'?',
'Have you ever looked up the word \'dictionary\' in a dictionary?',
'I\'m a lesbian trapped in a man\'s body.',
'Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.',
'The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.',
'Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.',
'Use your enemy\'s hand to catch a snake.',
'Don\'t hate the player, hate the game.',
'Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.',
'Space isn\'t remote at all. It\'s only an hour\'s drive away if your car could go straight upwards.',
'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.',
'The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn\'t exist.',
'The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.',
'You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.',
'A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.',
'The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.',
'Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.',
'We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.',
'A diplomat...is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.',
'Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one\'s nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.',
'Now I know what a statesman is; he\'s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.',
'He who laughs last thinks slowest.',
'He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.',
'Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.',
'A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.',
'Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away.',
'It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.',
'The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.',
'Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.',
'The average person thinks he isn\'t.',
'A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.',
'A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.',
'Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.',
'Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.',
'Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.',
'Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one.',
'It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.',
'The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.',
'You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.',
'The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.',
'A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.',
'One of the virtues of never sleeping...; I have to live my dreams.',
'Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?.',
'Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.',
'If you watch a game, it\'s fun. If you play at it, it\'s recreation. If you work at it, it\'s golf.',
'Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.',
'Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT\'S bad for you!',
'I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.',
'I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.',
'It\'s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.',
'I don\'t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.',
'Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.',
'I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.',
'I have a new philosophy. I\'m only going to dread one day at a time.',
'The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it\'s unfamiliar territory.',
'If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn\'t be a bit surprised.',
'It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.',
'I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.',
'The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.',
'Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.',
'Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.',
'A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.',
'You can tell alot about a fellow\'s character by his way of eating jellybeans.',
'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.',
'The man who doesn\'t read good books has no advantage over the man who can\'t read them.',
'Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.',
'We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don\'t know.',
'I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven\'t got the guts to bite people themselves.',
'Isn\'t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?',
'I\'ve been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn\'t require my presence.',
'I\'d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.',
'A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.',
'No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar.',
'The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.',
'The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.',
'Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.',
'Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.',
'Outside of a dog, a book is man\'s best friend. Inside of a dog it\'s too dark to read.',
'I\'d horsewhip you if I had a horse.',
'Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.',
'I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.',
'Rehab is for quitters.',
'Jesus is coming! Everybody look busy.',
'My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.',
'The answer is twelve? I think I\'m in the wrong building.',
'Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.',
'I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.',
'I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn\'t mine.',
'Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That\'s how rich I want to be.',
'Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.',
'The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.',
'Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.',
'When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, \'Did you sleep good?\' I said \'No, I made a few mistakes.\'',
'A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.',
'In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.',
'An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.',
'Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.',
'Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle.',
'I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.',
'Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.',
'If winning isn\'t everything, why do they keep score?',
'Never knock on Death\'s door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!',
'Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.',
'Shut yer hairy hole, yeh pimpin\' beelzebub!',
'For the love of Saint Dolores O\'Riordan, would yeh pipe down, yeh moany cow?',
'Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.',
'If you don\'t find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.',
'A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.',
'Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.',
'I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.',
'The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.',
'If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.',
'If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can\'t be done.',
'Robbie Williams; too many tatoos, wouldn\'t have him in the house.',
'I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.',
'If someone wants a sheep, then that means that he exists.',
'I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.',
'When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.',
'Ninety percent of everything is crap.',
'Don\'t worry about the world coming to an end today. It\'s already tomorrow in Australia.',
'Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.',
'Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.',
'Bah!',
'You\'re Norman Bates with a briefcase.',
'That\'s the Indian definition of copyright; the right to copy.',
'I once said cynically of a politician, \'He\'ll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.\'.',
'Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn\'t work out, you haven\'t wasted a whole day.',
'You cannot slander human nature; it is worse than words can paint it.',
'There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.',
'When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.',
'Never judge a book by its movie.',
'Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.',
'The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.',
'What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.',
'History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.',
'Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.',
'It\'s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.',
'Some day my boat will come in, and with my luck I\'ll be at the airport.',
'Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.',
'When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.',
'You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.',
'Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.',
'Why be a man when you can be a success?',
'My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.',
'Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.',
'The scientific name for an animal that doesn\'t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.',
'Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.',
'The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.',
'You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing.',
'Pay no attention to what the critics say... Remember, a statue has never been set up in honor of a critic!',
'I\'m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don\'t know.',
'It doesn\'t make a difference what temperature a room is, it\'s always room temperature.',
'Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.',
'One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.',
'Geordan Murphy... Pure genius!',
'Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you\'re scared to death.',
'The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.',
'Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.',
'A man can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days.',
'The shortest distance between two points is under construction.',
'Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it\'s just the opposite.',
'The world owes you nothing. It was here first.',
'The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it\'s against the law.',
'Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.',
'Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.',
'As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.',
'I don\'t really trust a sane person.',
'It\'s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it\'s a depression when you lose yours.',
'Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.',
'I don\'t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.',
'One Ring to rule them all, // One Ring to find them, // One Ring to bring them all // and in the darkness bind them.',
'The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.',
'When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.',
'I don\'t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they\'re dead.',
'Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.',
'If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can\'t be done.',
'Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.',
'Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.',
'They say \'elevator\', we say \'lift\'...they say \'President\', we say \'stupid psychopathic git\'.',
'Professor Sex in the toilet with the lawnmower.',
'If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I\'d think, no, actually I\'m a giraffe.',
'My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.',
'Don\'t worry about people stealing an idea. If it\'s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.',
'When I was born I was so surprised I didn\'t talk for a year and a half.',
'Oppression can only survive through silence.',
'First things first, but not necessarily in that order.',
'It\'s not illegal if it\'s hilarious.',
'To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.',
'"Red it was," said the butcher, in his good-humoured husky treble -- "and a Durham it was.".',
'I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.',
'Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.',
'The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.',
'I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.',
'What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?',
'Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.',
'Eagles may soar, but weasels don\'t get sucked into jet engines.',
'Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.',
'Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?',
'The greatest university of all is a collection of books.',
'You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.',
'Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents\' shortcomings.',
'Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.',
'We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.',
'There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.',
'Communism doesn\'t work because people like to own stuff.',
'One reason I don\'t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.',
'If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?',
'If you believe everything you read, better not read.',
'I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.',
'The difference between dreams and accomplishments is purely desire.',
'OK, either there\'s women in the gents or I just pissed in their wash basin.',
'I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn\'t want to give up power.',
'Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike charity, it should end there.',
'When I\'m good, I\'m very, very good but when I\'m bad, I\'m better.',
'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.',
'There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.',
'I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.',
'Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.',
'To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.',
'Haven\'t you read enough of these already? Go back to work!',
'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.',
'I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can\'t accept not trying.',
'I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time.',
'My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they\'re in August.',
'It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!',
'My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn\'t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.',
'I don\'t even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.',
'There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family".',
'Your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.',
'To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood.',
'Illusion is the first of all pleasures.',
'From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.',
'What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.',
'If you haven\'t found something strange during the day, it hasn\'t been much of a day.',
'How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.',
'Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.',
'We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.',
'Someday we\'ll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.',
'Don\'t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.',
'A motion to adjourn is always in order.',
'Until you\'ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was.',
'People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it\'s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.',
'You only get one chance to make a first impression.',
'If the outdoors is so great, why aren\'t the homeless more fond of it?',
'Do it today - tomorrow it might be illegal.',
'No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.',
'I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. But no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles!',
'Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?',
'Let\'s go play \'swallow the stuff under the sink.\'!',
'I know you\'re a feminist and I think that\'s adorable, but this is grown-up time and I\'m the man.',
'Everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.',
'I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the most non-competitive. So I win.',
'Well, I\'d love to stay and chat, but you\'re a bitch.',
'Only in American banks can you find the pens chained to the counter and the doors wide open.',
'We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.',
'Welcome to Bologna on Capital Gold for England versus San Marino with Tennent\'s Pilsner, brewed with Czechoslovakian yeast for that extra Pilsner taste and England are one down.',
'Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you\'re 80-20 sure of winning it.',
'Lee Sharpe has got dynamite in his shorts',
'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal',
'If it had gone in, it would have been a goal',
'It\'s now 1-1, an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday.',
'You don\'t score 64 goals in 86 games without being able to score goals.',
'Nicky Butt, he\'s another aptly named player. He joins things, brings one sentence to an end and starts another.',
'Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals.',
'...and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a piece of string.',
'If ever the Greeks needed a Trojan horse, it is now.',
'It\'s as if there\'s a magnet on the outside of the posts and bar.',
'He\'s passing the ball like Idi Amin.',
'A peep, peep, peep, another peep, and that\'s it.',
'What a debut for the young goalkeeper, as a striker.'
);
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